Picture this: it’s 3 AM, and you’ve just fed your baby to sleep after what feels like an eternity of soothing, rocking, and changing. This wasn’t your first wake-up, but it is the one that really gets to you. You then collapse into bed next to your deep sleeper partner, only to be awakened yet again by a crying baby an hour or so later. As a new parent, you’re not just battling sleepless nights; you’re also navigating the complexities of maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner. This scenario is all too common, and it highlights an important issue: lack of sleep can severely impact relationships. In this blog, I will explore how lack of sleep affects both parents and their partnerships, and why finding ways to help your baby sleep is so important for everyone’s well-being.
Understanding the Importance of Sleep
Sleep plays a vital role towards our physical and emotional well-being. Having consolidated sleep helps our body restore energy, enhances cognitive function, and regulates our mood.
So, what happens when we sleep
Well, if you are reading this blog then chances are that you have noticed that your body isn’t functioning the way it should be functioning and simple things are now getting to you. A lot does go on when we sleep – similar to babies / toddlers / children our body is going through sleep cycles and in each stage our body is focusing on repairing, recouping and so forth. During sleep, our bodies undergo several critical processes that support overall well-being, such as:
- Physical Restoration: While we are asleep, our bodies are working on overdrive repairing tissues, building muscles and synthesising proteins. Growth hormone, which is crucial for these processes, is released during deep sleep. This restorative phase is essential for recovery from daily wear and tear.
- Cognitive Function: Sleep plays a fundamental role when it comes to the brain’s health by processing information from the day, consolidating memories, filtering out the unnecessary and strengthening neural connections. Getting a good nights rest will help enhance learning and problem-solving abilities.
- Emotional Regulation: This is the area that has the biggest impact on relationships. Getting enough sleep helps with emotional stability by regulating room and stress levels.
- Hormonal Balance: Sleep plays a critical role in balancing hormones like cortisol (the stress hormone); insulin (needed to regulate blood sugar) and gherkin (hormone that controls hunger).
Understanding these processes emphasises the importance of prioritising sleep, especially for new parents. When we don’t get enough rest, not only do we feel physically drained, but our cognitive and emotional functions can also be impaired, leading to strained relationships and challenges in communication and connection with our partners.
So, what happens when we don’t sleep
As you would rightly think, all of these factors above are interconnected. However, for the purpose of understanding the direct impact on relationships, I want to hone in on emotions and hormones, as they are the two most significant influences. When they are disrupted, they will directly affect our relationships. A lack of consolidated sleep can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed during the day, and the absence of any personal time can put a huge strain on our relationships with others, especially our partners. Now, in most cases the responsibility of the child still falls on the mother, and this is really the root of the problem.
Why? Well, sleep deprivation of course. Sleep deprivation can lead to irritability, stress, and difficulty concentrating. For new parents, the stakes are even higher. Without enough rest, it becomes challenging to connect with your partner, leading to misunderstandings, upset, irritability, jealousy and tension.
Before we dive into some of the bigger areas, I thought it would be best to provide some backings to what I am discussing.
- Existing research demonstrates that poor sleep is associated with lower perceptions of relationship quality. Poor sleep also predicts more intense experiences of negative affect, anger in particular. Greater anger is also tied to worse relationship outcomes” – Research paper 1.
- “…onflict itself could be considered a stressor in the present study, and sleep-deprived couples may have shown amplified reactivity compared to rested couples” & “With regard to self-reported emotions, sleep-deprived couples reported fewer positive emotions compared to rested couples, providing further support to the growing body of research establishing a link between sleep loss and a reduction in positive affect” – Research paper 2.
- “When we’re deprived of sleep, we’re more likely to overreact to situations that normally wouldn’t rattle us. “This can lead to more conflict and less satisfying relationships,”says Jennifer L. Martin, a clinical psychologist and behavioral sleep medicine specialist at UCLA.” – Research paper 3.
- “A study of 43 couples by Ohio State University found that those who slept less than seven hours a night were more likely to argue in a hostile, negative way.” – Research paper 4.
- ” Lack of shut-eye has long been linked to a range of serious health problems. Now a study confirms that it can also be at the root of strife between couples” – Article
- “When [sleep] disrupted, it can cause sexual dysfunction. Examples of sexual dysfunction include a loss of interest in sex, a lack of arousal, an inability to experience excitement or orgasm, and sex that is painful or not enjoyable. Sexual health problems can be primarily physical but are commonly tied to mental, emotional, or relationship issues that interfere with normal sexual activity.” & “Sleep deprivation has been associated with reduced sexual desire and arousal” – Article
The Relationship Between Sleep and Parenting
New parenthood comes with its own set of challenges, particularly when it comes to sleep. Unless trained, babies don’t have a sleep schedule, and their nighttime awakenings can disrupt the entire household. As a result, parents often find themselves exhausted and on edge. This fatigue can take a toll on relationships, leading to increased irritability and decreased patience. When both partners are sleep-deprived (especially the mum), they may struggle to communicate effectively, resulting in frustration and feelings of isolation.
The Ripple Effect of Baby Sleep on Relationships
The impact of a baby’s sleep (or lack thereof) extends beyond individual exhaustion. It can create a ripple effect that influences the entire family dynamic. For instance, if one partner is consistently handling nighttime duties, it can lead to feelings of resentment and imbalance. Additionally, sleep deprivation can decrease the quality time couples spend together. When you’re too tired to engage in meaningful conversations or enjoy each other’s company, emotional intimacy can suffer.
Physical Relationship
Sleep deprivation in new parents can hugely impact their sexual relationship. The extreme fatigue that comes from sleepless nights caring for a baby can leave parents feeling drained and uninterested in intimacy. When exhaustion sets in, it becomes challenging to engage in sexual activity, as both partners may struggle to find the energy or motivation.
Lack of sleep affects not only physical stamina but also hormonal balance and mood. Fatigue can lead to irritability and stress, removing the desire for intimacy. The emotional connection between partners can also suffer when parents are too tired to engage meaningfully with each other, often leading to a sense of distance or disconnection.
Moreover, sleep deprivation can disrupt the body’s natural physiological responses associated with sexual arousal. When individuals are chronically tired, their bodies may not respond in the same way as they would when well-rested, further complicating their sexual relationship.
In summary, the impact of sleep deprivation on new parents creates significant hurdles for maintaining intimacy. The combination of physical exhaustion, emotional strain, and altered hormonal levels can lead to a decrease in sexual desire and connection, making it essential for couples to prioritise rest and find strategies to reconnect during this demanding period.
The Build Up of Anger
This is an extremely common problem when it comes to relationships and no matter how much a mother tries to explain to a partner, sometimes, and very often it doesn’t make a difference. There is a common sense amongst men that parenthood is is still predominantly if not wholly the role of the mother. So, when a baby cries at night, the mother of course becomes extremely sleep deprived. What angers a mother more, is going back to bed and seeing her partner fast asleep. This builds so much resentment and anger.
In this article, in which they interviewed mums, this is what they said “One major trigger, says Canada-based Holly, was their division of labour. Her partner did most of the household chores: cleaning, laundry, cooking. But she needed more help with the parenting itself. “I had an emergency C-section. My body was falling apart. I was feeding two babies 24/7, not sleeping. And if one of them was crying, he would be like, ‘Oh, they just want you'”, rather than stepping in, she says. “I had so much rage towards him.”” … AND THIS IS THE REALITY!
Increase in Separation / Divorce
Although for some, this may seem quite far stretch – it isn’t as far stretch as you would actually think. Picture this, your baby is not napping and you are solely taking care of him / her during the day. You get no time for yourself. Bedtime comes and it takes you a long time to put them down, only to then wake up every 45 minutes. During this time your partner is in the office and comes home. Once he comes home, he sits has dinner watching a movie and gets ready for bed and dozes off till the next day. For him, it is okay because he is the one going to the office.
But for mums? It isn’t okay! They end up sacrificing their careers or putting it on hold and instead are working on a very demanding 24 hour clock. This article highlights – “Ahead of a new series on the subject, a poll carried out for Channel 4 suggests the average parent surveyed got fewer than six hours of sleep a night. It also found that three in 10 couples who had split up said sleep deprivation since having their child was a factor in the breakup.”
Broken Communication
The challenges of parenthood can frequently result in a breakdown of communication, as couples find it difficult to carve out the time and energy for meaningful conversations. This can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and a lack of empathy, which complicate conflict resolution and hinder the ability to address each other’s needs.
Getting Your Baby to Sleep Matters
Getting your baby to sleep is crucial, as it not only benefits the child but also allows parents to regain a sense of balance in their lives. Quality sleep helps your body perform essential functions like emotional regulation and hormone balance, which can significantly improve relationships. When both partners are well-rested, they are less likely to wake up at night feeling resentful towards each other. Instead, they can enjoy intimacy and have the energy to engage in meaningful discussions rather than bickering over minor issues.
I truly believe that achieving great sleep for your baby is transformative for the entire family’s well-being. Training your baby to sleep well can change your life, and numerous testimonials attest to this positive impact.