Parenthood is a rewarding yet demanding journey, especially for mothers. While fathers and other caregivers are increasingly involved in family life, mothers often take the lead in managing their children’s daily routines.
As a mother, it’s natural to want the best for your child, including ensuring they get enough sleep. Sleep is crucial for a child’s growth and development, making it understandable that mothers strive for their little ones to enjoy uninterrupted, restorative rest. Additionally, a mother’s well-being is equally important; quality sleep helps her recharge and care for herself effectively.
However, the desire for “perfect sleep” can become overwhelming. Many mothers fall into the trap of sleep perfectionism, which can transform the normal fluctuations in a baby’s sleep schedule into a significant source of stress. This relentless pursuit of ideal sleep can lead to heightened anxiety, making it difficult for mothers to relax and enjoy a well-deserved break during nap times. Instead of enjoying ‘me time’ many find themselves anxiously counting the minutes slept, worrying if the nap is too short or why their baby was doing so well and suddenly began waking up multiple times a night for a few nights.
As a sleep trainer, I want to emphasise that perfect sleep simply doesn’t exist. Everyone experiences good and bad nights. Even as adults, some nights we fall into a deep sleep easily, while others we struggle to drift off. Recognising and accepting this reality is the first step toward freeing yourself from the constraints of sleep perfectionism and embracing a healthier approach to motherhood.
If your child is already sleep trained, the most effective approach is to maintain your current routine. Here are a few reminders to help them recover from any disruptions. However, it’s important to acknowledge that occasional bad naps or restless nights are a normal part of the journey.
Understanding the stages of sleep
Understanding the stages of sleep can be very helpful in explaining why your baby may move around, briefly wake up, or fully wake and struggle to fall back asleep after completing a sleep cycle. Newborns (up to 4 months) experience only 2 stages of sleep (REM and Non-REM), but when they reach 4 months—often coinciding with the 4-month sleep regression—they transition to 4 stages of sleep. The below definition of stages of sleep is taken from “Navigating the 4-Month Sleep Regression: A Parent’s Guide“
Stage 1 – Non-REM Sleep
In Stage 1, Non-REM sleep begins as the lightest phase, acting as a transition from being awake to falling asleep, typically only lasting a few minutes. We are all familiar with this stage, when you feel yourself drifting off but you have not yet fallen asleep.
Stage 2 – Non-REM Sleep
Stage 2, Non-REM sleep encompasses about half of the sleep cycle (also considered the first true sleep stage), during which the body enters a deeper state of relaxation. At this stage, there is a noticeable decrease in heart rate and body temperature, while the brain shows slowing activity interrupted by brief surges known as sleep spindles.
Stage 3 – Non-REM Sleep
Stage 3, Non-REM sleep, commonly known as deep sleep or slow-wave sleep, plays a vital role in physical recuperation and recovery. It is marked by the presence of delta waves, which are slow brainwaves. During this stage, a person is toughest to wake up, as the body focuses on healing and growth.
Dr. William C. Dement identified 5 stages of sleep, however, stage 3 and stage 4 are extremely similar and stage 4 is just a continuation of stage 3. Here, your body is rejuvenating energy levels and supporting the body’s growth and repair processes.
Stage 4 – REM Sleep
Stage 4, REM (rapid eye movement) sleep is characterised by increased brain activity resembling that of being awake, which often leads to vivid dreams. During this stage, most voluntary muscles are temporarily immobilized, with the exception of newborns. REM sleep plays a vital role in cognitive processes such as consolidating memories, enhancing learning, and regulating mood.
It’s essential to note that newborns typically don’t establish a regular sleep-wake cycle until they reach around 3 months of age. They require time to develop their own circadian rhythms. Understand that irregular sleep patterns are completely normal for babies during their first few weeks of life, and this does not reflect your abilities as a mother.
As a parent you must realised that:
After going through all the stages of sleep, we may briefly awaken or come close to waking before the cycle begins again, continuing until it’s time for the alarm to go off. Even if your child is sleep trained, there may be times when they struggle to transition on their own, and that’s perfectly fine. Give them about 10 minutes to try to settle down on their own, and if they seem to be having difficulty, feel free to assist them. You can try repositioning them, giving them a quick hug, and putting them back down while they are still awake. Then, leave the room again, gradually adding an extra minute each time until they can fall asleep independently.
As a parent, it’s important to remind yourself that sleep cycles are beyond your control. Everyone experiences them, including you and me. If you think back, you’ll likely recall times when you woke up and struggled to fall back asleep or found yourself in light, restless sleep. It happens—so try not to dwell on it. This phase will pass.
Create a consistent bedtime routine
The importance of having a consistent bedtime routine cannot be overstated. Babies and children thrive on structure, as it helps them anticipate what’s coming next and teaches them that there are rules, order, and boundaries in the home, all of which contribute to their sense of safety.
As children grow, parents often allow for a later bedtime on weekends compared to weekdays, but this should be avoided. Bedtime should remain consistent every night. Establishing a calming bedtime ritual can signal to your baby that it’s time to relax and prepare for sleep. This may include activities like a warm bath, a lullaby, or reading a bedtime story. While consistency is more important than perfection, what truly matters is creating a safe and soothing environment that promotes restful sleep.
Heard a cry? Don’t rush in
As we’ve discussed, everyone experiences sleep cycles, and during these cycles, brief awakenings occur. As adults, we may not always notice these awakenings because we forget them by morning, but they do happen.
Children experience similar awakenings, though they may find it a bit more challenging to transition back to sleep. A sleep-trained baby can generally navigate this transition more easily, while a baby who hasn’t been trained will require support to help them return to sleep after waking.
So, what can you do? Wait a moment before entering the room. Give them about 10 minutes to see if they can settle back to sleep on their own. If they don’t, then enter briefly to offer comfort before leaving again. My suggestion is to check the time beforehand so you know when to go in, as it can feel longer than it actually is.
Limit screen time
It’s often difficult to resist the temptation of turning on the TV. When you’re looking for a break, it can seem like the simplest solution to switch on the TV and enjoy a few moments of peace. I won’t say to never use the TV, as it’s likely you’ll continue to do so.
However, I recommend avoiding screen time for 90 minutes before bedtime, whether it’s for your child or just as background noise for you. This will help prevent any stimulation that can reduce melatonin levels and raise cortisol levels in your child. Instead, engage in calming, screen-free activities.
Self care is the best care
At times (and often), caring for a baby can feel incredibly overwhelming. Many mothers hesitate to voice this feeling due to guilt, but it’s completely normal to crave some space to breathe and focus on your own well-being. The saying “happy mum, happy baby” exists for a reason.
Self-care doesn’t have to be extravagant; it can be as simple as taking a walk around the block, enjoying a soothing bath, meditating, or getting your nails done—anything that helps restore your sense of peace.
Mums, remember this doesn’t mean you love your child any less. It’s far healthier to acknowledge that you need some time to recharge than to let frustration build up, which may unintentionally affect your interactions with your child.
Ask for help
There will be nights when your child struggles—whether they’re sick, have a bad fall, feel scared, experience nightmares, or are teething, and the list goes on. It’s almost certain that you won’t experience perfect nights every time, and accepting this reality is essential. The same applies to naps—there’s no need to fixate on whether your child is taking the full nap duration or needs an extra 30 minutes. Instead, concentrate on the wake window if they wake up early and adjust accordingly.
Life is bound to throw some challenges your way. The best thing you can do is ensure your baby is sleep trained, so on the good days, you can enjoy restful sleep, which will likely be the majority of your nights. On the tougher days, practice patience.
If you ever feel overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Talk to a friend, family member, or your partner. Connecting with other mothers in similar situations can provide tremendous relief. Sometimes, sharing experiences with fellow moms can offer valuable insights and boost your confidence.
You’re doing an amazing job—let go of the perfectionism mindset, as it doesn’t exist! Savor the little moments and the restful nights that come your way.
